Willard Wright's Badass Badminton Battles
by Inquisitor Saken
Summary: Willard, a professional badminton player, is moved to a high school populated almost entirely by other Umineko characters. Hoping to pursue his hobby, he joins the badminton club. However, he learns that the badminton played in this school is very different to the badminton he's used to. Based on a certain picture
1. Chapter 1: Introductions

Chapter 1 – Introductions

"I am Willard H. Wright, professional badminton player," I announce to the class. I see the other students eagerly waiting for the rest of my introduction, but I'm a simple, boring person, and of course I didn't think of anything to say beforehand. My lack of foresight has resulted in my introduction being just one sentence. Damn it, if I leave it as this, I'll be nothing but 'the kid who plays badminton'! I need to think of something… what do I do… surely there's something interesting! How about my love of coats…? No, that will just come out weird. …Ah, there's always _that_…!

"And I have a cat called Diana," I blurt. The whole class looks at each other, giggling. Oh God damn it, did I really introduce myself as 'a badminton player who has a cat'? Sheesh, I deserve to be roasted alive for such a crappy introduction. Let these people laugh; anything better would be spoiling me.

After what must have been the longest few seconds of my life, Mr Hitler looks at me and smiles, and I can't tell if he's mocking me or what. "Thank you, Willard," he says, and gestures towards the seat in the far left corner of the room. "You'll be sitting at that desk." As I sit down, I realise that I have the 'generic anime seat', enabling me to look out of the window. That's nice.

Mr Hitler rambles about 'making the new student feel welcome' and 'treat classmates with respect', but the whole class is still giggling at my abysmal display. I lazily look around the room, trying to hide my embarrassment, and notice that the girl to my right is waving at me, trying to attract my attention.

"Hahaha, you know, I have a cat too, child of man. She's called Bernkastel," she says, brushing back her purple hair. Before it could develop into anything resembling a conversation, Mr Hitler interrupts.

"Featherine, stop distracting Willard! Time for talking is not in class!"

"Sorry, sir. Won't happen again."

"Good," he pauses, and clears his throat. "As I was saying, St. Gryffindor's Academy is announcing a new club! It's a coincidence that we started this on the day Willard-kun arrives, I assure you. On Tuesdays after school, we will be holding badminton tournaments!" The entire class shows little to no reaction, including myself. To be honest, I'm more shocked that there were no badminton tournaments to begin with.

After gauging everyone's bored expressions, Mr Hitler takes a hint and begins the lesson. History. Mr Hitler energetically gives a lecture about how he won WWII and definitely didn't commit suicide, apparently wanting everyone to cheer up. Just when it seems like his optimism had fallen on deaf ears, a blonde girl in the front row raises her hand. "Sir, may I help you teach the lesson? I think it would be more interesting if one of us students helped." Mr Hitler is delighted that_ someone_ in his class isn't a lazy delinquent, and happily agrees.

"Absolutely, Gaap. You'll always be better at sparking life into these kids than I," he cheers. Even the other students grin and beam, as Gaap walks to the front of the room. I don't understand, and my cluelessness probably makes me stick out like a sore thumb. Featherine apparently notices, and pokes my arm.

"Watch this, child of man. Gaap-san is like the teacher Mr Hitler wishes he could be." Almost as if at Featherine's word, the class falls silent. The expectant faces I thought I saw before couldn't hold a candle to the class now. Gaap takes a deep breath, pulls a marker pen seemingly out of nowhere, and draws a Hitler moustache on herself. She acts out the events of WWII under the guise of Mr Hitler himself, who is laughing just as much as us. Her impersonation of him is absolutely perfect, right down to the repeated shouting of 'FEGELEIN, FEGELEIN!' and slamming on the desk. By the time she is finished, it's already the end of the lesson – and every one of us is feeling 100% happier than when the lesson started. And this happiness is instantly blown away by one sentence:

"Alright, there's going to be a test on this after break, so make sure you remember what Gaap taught you."

We all sulkily leave the room, and do our best to enjoy our break. 'If we don't think about the test, maybe it won't happen' seems to be the strategy everyone is thinking of. I'm already clueless as to where to go, which is picked up upon by yet another blonde girl. Or, at least, they look like a girl. They also sound and dress like a boy. "Hey, you're the guy who plays badminton and has a cat called Diana, aren't you?" they say, giggling. Oh, for God's sake. It's already begun.

"I really botched that introduction."

"Don't worry, everyone did. Look, that girl over there," she points towards another blonde girl. "That's Beatrice. She's known as 'the person who likes ice cream.' Don't say that around her though; I can already tell you're friendlier than her. Anyway, let's go! I'll introduce you to my sister. By the way, I'm Lion. Pleased to meet you, Will-kun."

"Nice to meet you too, Lion-chan." I say and follow her outside. Cherry blossoms, everywhere. We sit at a picnic bench, which is already occupied by – you guessed it – a blonde girl, and her black-haired friend (I presume). "Jessie, look, there's a new kid! Come on, don't be rude, introduce yourself!"

"Uh, right… P-pleased to meet you. My name is Jessica," she curtseys nervously.

"Call me Will," I respond, and some fibre of canon in me forces me to take Jessica's hand and kiss it, which instantly startles her friend. Judging by her reaction: blushing and overwhelming rage… oh, is it that kind of situation? So I've introduced myself as a person who cares for nothing but cats and badminton, and potentially destroyed this girl's relationship with Jessica. Man, today is not my day. Lion quickly steps in and reassures her it was a greeting, and ushers the final unnamed member of our group to introduce herself. She hesitates, but complies.

"…My name is Kanon. Forgive my brief introduction, but furniture must not speak unnecessarily," she says monotonously. Jessica quickly supports her.

"Um, well… Kanon-kun is kind of shy, but he's a really good person! Please don't think of him badly." He…? Well, okay then. But he's wearing the female school uniform! It was an easy conclusion to come to!

"Hey, Will-kun, you said you liked badminton, right?" Lion suddenly blurts. "So you'll be joining the badminton club?"

"Yes, absolutely. Do you three play badminton too?"

"All three of us. The problem is, well… since there's three of us, and Kanon-kun and Jessie always team up together," she looks down at her feet, avoiding my gaze. "Well, do you want to be on my team? I'm sure we'll be great together. We'll show all the other teams how to play badminton! Even Jessie and Kanon-kun won't stand a chance!" Before I can reply, the bell rings, and we all begin to return to class.


	2. Chapter 2: George

**Chapter 2 – George**

"Ah, this is going to be great," Lion shouts, filling the entire corridor with her voice. Compared to the calm and composed Lion from earlier, she's jarringly out of character. "We'll definitely beat everyone! We'll be the _best _badminton team _ever!_ Thank you, Will! _Thank you_!"

"Hey, hey. I never said I would be on your team. I only said I was joining the club," I say, and in a flash, Lion's face completely transforms. She stares at me with a look of shock, and is completely silent. "Don't worry about it, I was kidding. Of course I'll be on your team." Lion is still silent for roughly a second, before returning to something slightly more in-character (probably).

"Honestly, Will. That was just uncalled for," she says. That's when I notice we'd walked past our classroom. Lion also notices, and we turn back.

In the classroom, everyone is still returning to their seats. As I make to my seat to sit, I carelessly glance at the board and see the world 'test', and I instantly remember that I've forgotten everything Gaap so kindly acted out for us. Mr Hitler is stood at the front of the classroom, and he waits for everyone to be seated before painfully reminding us, "Alright, students. Your test papers are on your desk, so please be silent as you complete them."

I look at the questions, and I quickly realise that some of Gaap's teaching is still at the back of my mind. _Did Hitler really commit suicide at the end of WWII?_ Of course not, he won WWII! _Whose antics are responsible for terrorizing the bunker?_ Why, Fegelein! Who else would have the guts to mercilessly troll Hitler!? After the first few questions, I realise that Gaap's teaching hadn't covered a certain question, as no matter how hard I try to remember, Gaap definitely didn't tell us the answer to '_how did Hitler end up in Chuikov's closet?_'

I spend a few minutes puzzling over what to put, when I notice the glasses-wearing guy sitting in front of me is looking into a mirror, tilting it as if he was trying to see around the room. When he seems to notice that I was looking at him, I quickly realise that it was _me_ he was staring at. This person is rather… _strange_, let's call it. Has he been trying to peek at me for the entire test? I glance at his test paper, and notice he hasn't written anything. As I try to deny my now-evidenced theory, he hastily puts down the mirror and scribbles on a loose piece of paper. He then screws the paper up into a ball and throws it to me. So, in this school, you can throw paper around in the middle of a test. Alright.

I flatten the ball of paper which reads,_ 'Wait here after class. I won't take up your entire dinner-time, don't worry. By the way, the answer to number 14 is that Chuikov has a hoarding problem.' _Flattered by this guy's generosity, I happily fill in the questions I left blank, and finish the test feeling rather confident.

The bell goes for dinner-time, and by this time I'd realised I at least owe this person for telling me the answers, so I hang back and watch everyone leave the classroom. I see Lion, the last person leaving the classroom, and she shouts, "We'll be at the picnic bench again, Will! Catch up with us, alright?" as she closes the door behind her.

"Looks like we're the only people left, huh?" says the person who dragged me back here. I suddenly remember about his mirror, and wonder if staying behind was really a good idea. He offers his hand, "I'm George Ushiromiya. Pleased to meet you, Willard-san." For a moment, I pause, before deciding that there's no harm in a handshake. I accept his hand.

"Please, call me Will," I say, and George seems taken aback. He gleefully smiles and blushes, repeating my name back to me. This man is not subtle. I try to ignore him, slightly disturbed, and move the conversation onward. "So why'd you call me back here?"

He swiftly regains his composure. "Ah, right. I saw your introduction, and I thought you were interested in the badminton club," he says and I nod, seemingly giving him permission to continue. "Alright then. I wanted to tell everyone who seemed interested that we're holding an unofficial opening of the badminton club tonight. Of course, there's probably people who are keeping quiet, so I wouldn't know to tell them. Not everybody will be there."

"Is that it?"

"Yes… is something wrong?" he asks, and his composure falters just as quickly as it was regained.

"Couldn't you have told me this on the corridor? Was it really necessary to keep me behind in this room?"

"Well… that's…" he scratches the black hair at the back of his head. "Anyway, I'll leave it up to you to tell Lion. You two get along, no?" I try to call out to him, but he's already left. I have a bad feeling about this guy. How does he know me and Lion are talking already? Wait, don't tell me… that this guy has been stalking me even before the test!? No, no, that seems unlikely… I sigh and head outside to catch up with Lion.

As I walk through the glass double doors leading outside, I immediately notice there's a commotion, filling the air with intrigued voices. A large amount of students are gathered in a circle around the path by Lion's picnic table. Wondering what kind of chaos Lion has started, I push my way through the crowd to see what all the fuss is about. I step on a few toes and I end up elbowing some blue-haired girl in the face, but I manage to see what people are staring at… I was expecting to see Lion performing some kind of show, so I didn't worry, but… here Lion is, crumpled up on the floor as Kanon tries to help her up. Jessica is pacing, seemingly (and probably understandably) frustrated.

"What happened?" I ask, and Kanon and Jessica stare at me with identical, hate-filled expressions.

"That Beatrice…" Jessica begins, clenching her fists.

"…She came out of nowhere. Lion-sama, Jessica-sama and I were talking about the badminton club when Beatrice walks up to us, suddenly grabs Lion, and says 'if you don't tell me where you keep your stash of ice cream, I'm beating up your friend'. We don't even have a stash of ice cream… we tried to reason with her, but…" Kanon explains, and looks down at Lion, seeming to curse himself. "Will-sama, could you lend a hand? I can't lift Lion-sama by myself…" I'm not exactly surprised, as Kanon has a rather small stature, and pull a remote control out of my pocket.

"What the Hell's that?!" Jessica shouts angrily.

"Relax, watch this." I say smugly, and press a button. Suddenly, all of us, including the ring of students, are covering our ears as a helicopter hovers above us. Then, a squad of Power Rangers jump out and help Lion to her feet. She looks more offended than anything else, so despite Lion missing a foot, we completely forget the whole incident ever happened.

"That's just excessive," Kanon and Jessica agree.


End file.
